you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
4 pharmacies and not one had Plan B. If this is gods way of telling me it's time for a child, he can fuck off.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize
