I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
