I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
French people screaming and throwing stuff out the window. We told the manager and he's pissed and going up there. This is gonna be like cops. Maybe better than cops.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
