dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..
I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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