so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
Actually I more feel like I'm on a ship about to grab the holy grail off an island
The ship is me being high the holy grail is some profound idea I'm about to have
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
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