Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Randomize