If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
eating kraft dinner with my face. no forks.
You just met him on Thursday, and you've already nicknamed him Golden Penis?
We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Im having a st. Get way fucked till i speak Irish pre game party. Bring a compass cause we are about to get lost
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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