You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
