I hate your face
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
Randomize
