I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Yup, found the vomit in the side compartment. My bad.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
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