Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.
Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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