I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
Randomize
