you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
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