Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
I am never drinking with the goths again.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Randomize
