Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
He kept telling me that it stood for Sex Utility Vehicle
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
If my dildo had feelings, they. Would've deffinately been hurt. He put that toy to shame..
Randomize
