They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Soooo my gf got the droid and doesn't have BBM anymore, I think its over for her
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he's washing the lighter in the sink and telling me to picture unicorns. requesting backup.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
Made him watch 4 hours of HGTV then told him I was too tired for sex.
Savage
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
Randomize