My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Randomize
