how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
Wasn't his fault he kicked a hole in the wall, they should have never tried to give him a bath after tequila.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
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