can we get nightvision for the apartment?
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
that is terrible, if I can't drink Gatorade when I'm hungover I don't wanna live in this world. that's like denying wild rams to run free in the wild and frolic
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
Oh man I wish I could've gotten a picture of how many anti-circumcision stickers are on this Prius
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
Randomize
