she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
