I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
Why is there bacon in the couch?
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
Randomize
