If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
It involved homemade coconut rum, a waterfall, and street signs. I'll leave the rest to your capable imagination.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
I dont care if he cant spell. Illiterate people need blowjobs too
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Monday is now my bitch. I just did 20 naked push ups on the bar for $20
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
