Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
remind me to tell you what i found stuck to me this morning
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
She offered to treat me to breakfast after a one night stand if I meet her parents and sex again if I act as her bf. It may be a trap but its a offer I won't refuse.
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
I'm just to the point my give a fucks is so far in the red that I'm going to have to take out a 30yr loan of fucks to repay it
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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