Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
