i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
