If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
I woke up with her little sister yelling "she's dead !!" from the bathroom doorway.
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It went from a "chill game of beer pong" to "absinthe body shots and a tits parade" in literally two minutes.
Told you inviting her was a good idea.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
Randomize
