If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.
The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.
We left the knife in your bed.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
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