i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
Found out why they call her Halfpipe Jenny-NOT the cool reason we thought
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
