You American Chicks are so confusing....1 day you are on my nuts next day you be trippin
Dude its not just American chicks...a small penis is the same in every language
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize