Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
Just cried to my husband about how much I'm going to miss my boyfriend... Maybe marriage is going to work for me after all
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED HAM AND WEED
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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