Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
i do not condone bathtub ky wrestling
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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