I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
