Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I'm not an expert but calling her the "hot lesbian" isn't going to coerce her into a 3some with you
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
eating jello out of the cup. with my face. while on the toilet. i am at my lowest.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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