I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.
Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.
HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
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