i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
not much just sitting outside his bathroom door naked eating cheetoes. You?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
I helped you wax your vagina and you won't even get me Corn Nuts you fucking bitch?
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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