Did your girl go home? Did she have fun? Can we have our friend back?
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
i can trust myself, just not when im drunk. and drinking is my favorite pastime
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
