my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
I went looking for them and I pulled my pants down and peed on the lawn. I found my phone in the same spot in the morning.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
