when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
I'm the one who said we should take things slow. I'm also the one who forced him into the back on my car so we could have sex.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
