Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Randomize
