you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
