Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Thanks for leaving me with drunk gabby
Hahahaha why what's happening?
She's sending me morse code through the wall....typical
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