The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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