i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
Randomize
