oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
I haven't had to masterbate since I started dating him over a year ago. I don't even know if I remember how and my vagina is calling.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
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