we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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