I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
