You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
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