My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
I booty called her while she was in labor.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
