his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
