Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
