if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
