Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
She has some nice fakeys. She is also an exotic entrepreneur.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.
And this was for your brother's Christening?
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Just did the "lost my phone, need #'s" post and I got a text saying "go ahead and save me as Ashley-DD because I know you will anyway. I think I love her.
Randomize
