Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Is it too much to ask for 10 minutes of privacy while I masturbate?
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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