don't worry, i already broke the ice when i told the story about how i super glued a picture of big bird to my vag.
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Puked in the trash can. Took a bite of someone's breadstick and kept dancing and drinking
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
