you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.
Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
