i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
