If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I let him do a line off my nipple in exchange for his prescription pain pills. I feel like 3/4 Vegas stripper, 1/4 underbelly of society.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
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