Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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