I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Jager Bombs are cool, but hydrogen bombs are where it's at. Sparks and jager equals instant black out, I mistakenly tried eating a cigarette thinking it was a nacho.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
Like, I can't stand that bitch, but i genuinely hope she gets the help she needs
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
Randomize
