guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I walked in and saw him spread eagle on the couch beatin it, while he just pet the dog that sat there and stared. mom was pissed
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
Was he good-huge or like "what the fuck do i do with this"-huge
They're fighting and it sounds intense. Cross your fingers for their demise
Toss in some raw meat and play heavy metal music. It will insight violence.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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