I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
FIND ME A DICK TO RIDE THAT HOPEFULLY IS ATTACHED TO A CUTE PERSON AND NICE PERSONALITY
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED. Is it okay if I only get 2 out of 3?
The D is nonnegotable.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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