it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
You know the force is loosing strength when Darth Vader can't handle his liquor on halloween.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
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