i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
