It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Happy 420. I woke up to a girl smoking weed and dragging me out of bed. Chemistry makes so much sense high.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm glad I date someone who likes the simple things. Sex, kittens, and McDonald's.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
