if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I wonder how vigorously I can jack off in a one person tent without being noticed???
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